I am finding it hard to believe that we are finally there. 36 weeks ago I was still jetlagged and had no idea what England would have in store for me. And now, this is it: our final production. I'll be performing on the Tobacco Factory stage in exactly four days.
So many thoughts have come to me during this process. It really has been the culmination of this year's challenges and reflections and the very deep understanding that everything is impermanent. Everything. And especially theatre.
We rehearse and it works. We rehearse again thinking it'll work and it doesn't. And suddenly, out of nowhere it starts working again. You get a laugh here, and then you do the same thing, but you don't anymore. There is no guarantee you won't forget your lines on the day of the show even if you've never forgotten them during rehearsals. There is also no way that you can control how people are going to feel about your work. There is no way to know if it'll turn out to be an incredible American movie-like type of final performance.
The only thing you can do is to be there in the present moment. I mean really be there. Listen to what your scene partner is telling you and go through everything your character is going through when he is going through it. Then, forget about it as soon as it's passed.
It's tricky. It's also a scary thing to shut down that voice in your head that says: "Oh here comes the line you loathe saying" and "Hey, look at that, some unexpected laughs! Things are going well!"
I guess that's part of why we go through acting school; to work hard at letting go. Letting go of all our old habits and old ways of thinking to better harness our fears. We learn to unlearn. We learn to listen. We learn about humanity and about time.
We go to acting school to really learn that nothing is permanent.
And that art is never finished, only abandoned, as Leonardo once said.
All we have is ourselves. And that precious and magical present moment we share with the audience. I cannot wait till Thursday. It's going to be grand.